A year in the life

I’ve been blogging for just over a year.  This means that a year ago I was at my absolute worst with OCD.  I can remember the miserable days at the beach crying my eyes out for no reason.  It wasn’t fair to my parents how I constantly made them worry about me.  Neither of us knew what to do.  That’s when the therapist came into my life and that’s when my life changed forever.  I’ve been in therapy for a year as well and I can’t believe how far I’ve come.  I don’t correct all my letters when I write, I don’t eat even numbers of food (for the most part), I don’t lay in bed with my blanket over my head, I don’t do a lot of things I used to do.  Instead I live my life, enjoy my day, smile more, and above all I don’t cry as much.  Thank god for that because you’d think I’d get dehydrated from the amount of tears I shed.  And while I can’t speak for my current stomach pains, I’ve given up anxiety too, which means less pain both physically and emotionally.  This past year has been a wild ride on a very emotional roller coaster and I’ve come out on top.

Spread the word

I’ve been coughing up a lung for over a week now and I’m at the point where I need to see a doctor.  I’m almost certain I have strep and without treatment I guess it could get worse.  It’s a vicious cycle because all of this coughing has left me with horrible heartburn that refuses to go away, much like the cough…and sore throat.  All of this keeps me up at night leaving me quite cranky in the morning.  Speaking of, I don’t think I’ll be going to bed for at least another hour.

In other, more exciting news, I’ve started up a professional craft blog at creativekidscrafts.wordpress.com and a professional craft Twitter account at twitter.com/EmilyHolden.  Both of these sites will provide craft information for parents and kids.  The goal is for parents to find fun, engaging and age appropriate craft projects and ideas for their kids.  Everything I offer is kid friendly and fun and worth checking out.   Spread the word!

Tears dry on their own

It’s been five days without Teo and I’ve finally stopped crying.  I was able to stop on Friday but now I can look at our picture from my birthday and not well up with tears (for the most part).  I put the picture of us next to my bed and not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what he’s doing in Rome with Joe.  Even though he told me he’d be back sometime this summer I’m hung up on the fact that he told me he’d come find me in New York when I’m famous.  It makes me feel like he’s never coming back even though I know he is.  To make it worse, when he comes back it will be to pack up and move away.  I may have Teo’s algae, but I won’t have him or the algae forever.

The sound of goodbye

Matteo left for Rome today.  It’s been mixed emotions for me for about the past week.  I did really well preparing myself and then last night I pretty much lost it.  It’s always hard when one of your best friends leaves.  He says he’s coming back but he doesn’t know when or for how long.  All that matters is that when he does, he comes back safe and I get to see him.  I gave him one last hug and kiss goodbye today and watched him pull away  for the airport.  I spent the rest of the day crying and moping around even though I know Matteo wouldn’t want me to.  Class was supposed to be a distraction but I had made myself so sick from sadness that I couldn’t focus.  Everything reminds me of him and it’s hard not to avoid it.  For now I’m doing well and have pulled myself together.  It’s going to be weird and hard at first not seeing him through the window or talking with him late at night on the couch while watching some animal show on Discovery, especially since his room mate will be in Rome with him for the next 20 days leaving the apartment empty.  I will make it though because I get to look after his plants (and his algae) for the summer and it’s like a little piece of him will be with me.  Even if we’re miles apart, our friendship won’t change and I’ll be here when he gets back and it will be as if he never left.

Night owls

My sleep schedule is completely thrown off, hence why I am still wide awake at 1:09a.m.  In my continued effort to be spontaneous I went out with the boys the other night not bothering to ask where we were going until we had pulled away from the curb.  As it turns out we were drinking at somebody’s apartment in Brookline and didn’t come home until 5a.m.  Now I have been completely thrown off and have been staying awake late into the night.  This won’t be very helpful for when classes start next week.

The spontaniety of it all outweighs sleep though.  I’ve spent the first two years of college with my nose in a book and I’ve finally realized that life was meant to be lived.  I very much enjoy picking up and  heading out for drinks with the guys even if it does mean a lack of sleep.  I’d rather enjoy my life then spend it in bed anyway.

Chai for a change

I am currently eating Port Wine Cheese on Triscuits which is absolutely delicious but completely goes against my giving up dairy.  I really meant well by switching from regular milk to soy but it’s completely counter productive if  I’m constantly eating cheese.  I either need give all of it or none of it up.  I’m thinking none because God do I love cheese.  Besides, soy milk is too expensive and if I’m not serious about giving up dairy then I shouldn’t waste money on it.

In more promising news, I’ve officially gone a week and a day without coffee.  I haven’t even had a craving for it, which is a surprise.  I now drink chi tea with soy milk and it seems to be helping.  For the first few days I had migraines and needed at least one nap a day but now I don’t need to nap or down Advil every hour to make it through the day.   That is a sign of change in the right direction!

Cold turkey gives me headaches

As of yesterday I gave up coffee and it has brought caffeine withdraw headaches with it.  Lovely.  In my continuous effort to reduce any and all stomach issues and heartburn I’ve given up coffee cold turkey and have begun reducing my dairy intake.  Thus, I now drink chi tea with soy milk in the morning.  It’s much tastier than it sounds.  This also means that my mornings are a little slower than they used to be because I can’t just turn on the coffee pot anymore.  Minus the headaches I think it’s working.  No heartburn yet!

It’s the perfect time to give up coffee though because school is basically over and I don’t have to sit through a day of classes without caffeine in my system.  Speaking of school being over, I survived my first year at Emerson.  I’ not going to go into any of the mushiness about how transferring has changed my life, but seriously–it has.  I’m a different person in a lot of senses of the word and it makes me happy.  My true colors can finally shine through and I really mean true colors.  I can finally show my spirit through brightly colored clothes and accessories and not look crazy.  Part of me thinks this wouldn’t have been acceptable at any point last year, yet somehow now I don’t even think it’s enough.  No wonder my name has been changed to Colors.

It’s sad but it’s true how society says her life is already over

I am annoyed for two reasons:

1. Suffolk and Emerson do not end the same week

2. My law professor has made our law exams due the Saturday after school lets out.

I’m slowly getting used to the whole idea that my Suffolk friends finish a week before me and honesty, it wouldn’t really bother me, except that my stupid law exam is due after school lets out which makes my work last even longer.  If everything could just be done on the 6th of May I would be happy but I guess things don’t always work in my favor.  I think I’ll take advantage of getting the early edition of the exam though and making a point to have it finished and submitted on the last exam day, May 7th.  I still have a good deal of work to do, mainly things involving final debates, papers, etc. and this extra week makes me feel like I’m missing out on things when in reality, I’m probably not.

In other, much more exciting news though, I was second row at the Lily Allen concert at the House of Blues on Sunday night.  I’m pretty sure I had died and gone to heaven because she was absolutely fabulous even if she was chain smoking and drinking wine the entire show.  It gets better though because my friend was pulled up on stage at one point for a baked bean eating contest (count on Lily to do something totally random!) and ended up getting a signed picture and the most adorable Coach bag!  I’ve been listening to Lily non-stop all week since the show and wish I was back in the House of Blues singing along to all of her songs while standing second row.  I realize now that this won’t happen until the next time she tours in the US and I’m suddenly thrown back to a reality that will basically suck for the next 2.5 weeks.  Count on school to ruin your night!

Kiss of life

I’m laying in bed listening to the song Kiss of Life by Sade.  The sun is shining in my window and I couldn’t be happier.  I have a surprisingly light workload this weekend despite it being the end of the semester.  I’m not sure how it worked out this way, but any chance I get to lounge in the sun and blog without worrying about work, I’ll take.  I have two more weeks of classes and one week of exams before the semester is over.  I wish I could be on Suffolk’s schedule though because all of my friends are finishing right when my exam workload picks up.  All grumbling aside, I’ve been doing a lot of crafts lately including mini origami and kirigami which is paper cutting (instead of folding).  My obsession with paper crafts has led to an overflowing amount of gifts for Teo, all of which he displays on what he calls his “shrine to Colors.”  Perhaps this is his way of telling me that I’ve made one too many gifts for him.  Regardless, I’m using my paper crafting skills to make Teo a graduation/going away present before he goes back to Rome, something I am not yet ready to handle.  I think if I make too many gifts for him now I’ll run out of ideas for his final going away gift.  I wonder if there is a self help group called Crafters Anonymous?

Sunrise

Yesterday was Aunt Karen’s memorial service and in due time I think I’ll share.  But for now, I want share what I wrote for the memorial.

This morning I got up and watched the sun rise over the ocean.  It was something Aunt Karen always loved to do when I was little.  She would invite me to go, but I never did.  Today for the first time, I sat on the beach and watched the sun climb over the ocean.  I let myself cry for the first time too, finally willing to accept that Aunt Karen has passed on.  Somehow though, as  I sat on a piece of drift wood in the quiet of an empty beach, the crying stopped.  If Aunt Karen were with me she wouldn’t have wanted me to sit there crying.  She would have wanted me to enjoy the beauty of the sun, the waves, and the cold sand between my toes.  So that’s what I did.  I sat there and took in the beauty that surrounded me, just as Aunt Karen did so many times before.  I sat there and remembered all of the wonderful memories that Aunt Karen and I shared for the last 21 years of my life.  The holidays, the summers, the weekend visits, everything.  When I sat alone on the beach today lost in my thoughts and my tears, I knew Aunt Karen was there with me too.  Her spirit surrounded me in the crashing waves, the early morning sun, the cold sand and the seagulls.  I suddenly felt at peace with everything.  Aunt Karen may physically be gone, but her wonderful spirit lives on up there at that ocean and any time I miss her, that’s the place I will go and know that she is there too, looking over me.