With all of my anxiety and fears of intimacy it leaves little desire for dating, flirting and “picking up guys.” My philosophy is that if I don’t engage in a any of the previously mentioned activities I won’t have to worry about anything “going to far.” I had this mentality more when the anxiety was much worse. The anxiety is pretty in check right now, although the intimacy issues are still around. Instead of fears however, it’s basically a lack of interest at this point…A lack of desire to do anything. Somehow though a guy will slip through the cracks every now and again and I’ll find myself flirting and not know how to end it. Take Saturday night for example.
I went to Sanctuary (a Boston club) to help a friend celebrate a birthday. While I was waiting a good looking guy chatted me up. After some time he found me by the bar and not only chatted me up, but started dancing as well. Knowing me, I can’t pass up a good conversation or dancing to some hip-hop music. All was well until he said he was going downstairs to meet up with some “friends.” Fair enough, I kept thinking. I’d monopolized his time for nearly two hours grinding up on his leg and yelling over the noise into his ear about nonsense like the the Mayflower or the fact that my distant family has a chapel at Harvard. You want to win a guy over? Talk about Pilgrims on the Mayflower. Gets em’ every time! So, said man leaves and awhile later I go downstairs with a friend only to find him getting friendly with another girl! I gave him “the look” on my way past and on my way back what should I find? He’s comfortable at a table full of girls! Here’s where I lost it. I tapped him on the shoulder, looked him square in the eyes, kicked him firmly in the shin, smiled politely at his new “friends” and went on my way.
I kicked him in the shin. Seriously. I don’t know how to interact with guys enough so I kick them in their shins? That’s one way to avoid kissing. I need to take a lesson from someone on how to socialize with guys…Someone who will teach me not to kick when I get mad or flustered. Honestly boys don’t deserve to be kicked by me. But hey, at least I didn’t slap him.
oh em! I haven’t read your blog in quite a while, and I’m sorry for that! I hope you update soon! Anyway, despite this being old news, I thought I’d just say, that this story will go down in history with our friendship. I will never forget it, because it’s a classic example of the awkward things that happen when a girl begins to define who they are in this world.
You sure as hell defined yourself! “Don’t mess with the Em Ho” sound about right?
Although we’re living in the 21st century, I think it’s important to realize that you’ve merely had a universal experience that men and women have undergone for centuries. You could have been Ginger Rodger’s slapping Fred Astaire in a romantic, yet frustrated scene from Swing Time.
Anyway, I think you just gotta, “pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again!”
The more you make these moves the more you’ll be defining yourself and the more you’ll discover who you want to be and what you’re comfortable with. Honey, I’m no exception, I’ve had to do this almost every time I go out… what kind of Caroline will I be today? How will this affect how I feel tomorrow? You get the gist.
Also- I’m starting a new blog. I kinda hate my old one. I’ll let you know when it’s up!
LOVE YOU!
XOXOX