It’s been well over a month since I posted last.  My inital use of this blog was to educate people on OCD and anxiety as I began treatment over a year ago.  I wanted to give people a look into the life of someone dealing with such issues, give them a chance to see what it was really like.  I have now come a long way from where I began and there is less to write about.  Treatment now comes once a month and my anxiety is considerably down.  I no longer count to ease anxiety or compulsively shower and wash my hands.   Realizing that I had less to say, I contemplated deleting this blog.  No one wants to read about the humdrum mundane events of my life anyway.  I began giving it some thought and decided to revisit my personal diary.  I read to a certain point and realized that a huge chunk of my life was missing.  I had been keeping a steady diary since first grade and here a huge and crucial chunk of my life wasn’t scrawled out in my handwriting….it was all digital, posted on this blog.  I realized that deleting my blog would be like deleting a portion of my life.  I just couldn’t do it.  It’s not the same just having the “memories” because having OCD my mind was so confused and warped as it was….My perception of life was so different then than it is now. I think  I’m going to keep this blog around whether I post or not because this portion of my life shaped who I am and I don’t want to lose it…..Ever.

With all of my anxiety and fears of intimacy it leaves little desire for dating, flirting and “picking up guys.”  My philosophy is that if I don’t engage in a any of the previously mentioned activities I won’t have to worry about anything “going to far.”  I had this mentality more when the anxiety was much worse.  The anxiety is pretty in check right now, although the intimacy issues are still around.  Instead of fears however, it’s basically a lack of interest at this point…A lack of desire to do anything.  Somehow though a guy will slip through the cracks every now and again and I’ll find myself flirting and not know how to end it.  Take Saturday night for example.

I went to Sanctuary (a Boston club) to help a friend celebrate a birthday.  While I was waiting a good looking guy chatted me up.  After some time he found me by the bar and not only chatted me up, but started dancing as well.  Knowing me, I can’t pass up a good conversation or dancing to some hip-hop music.  All was well until he said he was going downstairs to meet up with some “friends.”  Fair enough, I kept thinking.  I’d monopolized his time for nearly two hours grinding up on his leg and yelling over the noise into his ear about nonsense like the the Mayflower or the fact that my distant family has a chapel at Harvard.  You want to win a guy over?  Talk about Pilgrims on the Mayflower.  Gets em’ every time!  So, said man leaves and awhile later I go downstairs with a friend only to find him getting friendly with another girl!  I gave him “the look” on my way past and on my way back what should I find?  He’s comfortable at a table full of girls!  Here’s where I lost it.  I tapped him on the shoulder, looked him square in the eyes, kicked him firmly in the shin, smiled politely at his new “friends” and went on my way.

I kicked him in the shin.  Seriously.  I don’t know how to interact with guys enough so  I kick them in their shins?  That’s one way to avoid kissing.  I need to take a lesson from someone on how to socialize with guys…Someone who will teach me not to kick when I get mad or flustered.  Honestly boys don’t deserve to be kicked by me.  But hey, at least I didn’t slap him.

I’ve been blogging for just over a year.  This means that a year ago I was at my absolute worst with OCD.  I can remember the miserable days at the beach crying my eyes out for no reason.  It wasn’t fair to my parents how I constantly made them worry about me.  Neither of us knew what to do.  That’s when the therapist came into my life and that’s when my life changed forever.  I’ve been in therapy for a year as well and I can’t believe how far I’ve come.  I don’t correct all my letters when I write, I don’t eat even numbers of food (for the most part), I don’t lay in bed with my blanket over my head, I don’t do a lot of things I used to do.  Instead I live my life, enjoy my day, smile more, and above all I don’t cry as much.  Thank god for that because you’d think I’d get dehydrated from the amount of tears I shed.  And while I can’t speak for my current stomach pains, I’ve given up anxiety too, which means less pain both physically and emotionally.  This past year has been a wild ride on a very emotional roller coaster and I’ve come out on top.

I’ve been coughing up a lung for over a week now and I’m at the point where I need to see a doctor.  I’m almost certain I have strep and without treatment I guess it could get worse.  It’s a vicious cycle because all of this coughing has left me with horrible heartburn that refuses to go away, much like the cough…and sore throat.  All of this keeps me up at night leaving me quite cranky in the morning.  Speaking of, I don’t think I’ll be going to bed for at least another hour.

In other, more exciting news, I’ve started up a professional craft blog at creativekidscrafts.wordpress.com and a professional craft Twitter account at twitter.com/EmilyHolden.  Both of these sites will provide craft information for parents and kids.  The goal is for parents to find fun, engaging and age appropriate craft projects and ideas for their kids.  Everything I offer is kid friendly and fun and worth checking out.   Spread the word!

It’s been five days without Teo and I’ve finally stopped crying.  I was able to stop on Friday but now I can look at our picture from my birthday and not well up with tears (for the most part).  I put the picture of us next to my bed and not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what he’s doing in Rome with Joe.  Even though he told me he’d be back sometime this summer I’m hung up on the fact that he told me he’d come find me in New York when I’m famous.  It makes me feel like he’s never coming back even though I know he is.  To make it worse, when he comes back it will be to pack up and move away.  I may have Teo’s algae, but I won’t have him or the algae forever.

Matteo left for Rome today.  It’s been mixed emotions for me for about the past week.  I did really well preparing myself and then last night I pretty much lost it.  It’s always hard when one of your best friends leaves.  He says he’s coming back but he doesn’t know when or for how long.  All that matters is that when he does, he comes back safe and I get to see him.  I gave him one last hug and kiss goodbye today and watched him pull away  for the airport.  I spent the rest of the day crying and moping around even though I know Matteo wouldn’t want me to.  Class was supposed to be a distraction but I had made myself so sick from sadness that I couldn’t focus.  Everything reminds me of him and it’s hard not to avoid it.  For now I’m doing well and have pulled myself together.  It’s going to be weird and hard at first not seeing him through the window or talking with him late at night on the couch while watching some animal show on Discovery, especially since his room mate will be in Rome with him for the next 20 days leaving the apartment empty.  I will make it though because I get to look after his plants (and his algae) for the summer and it’s like a little piece of him will be with me.  Even if we’re miles apart, our friendship won’t change and I’ll be here when he gets back and it will be as if he never left.

My sleep schedule is completely thrown off, hence why I am still wide awake at 1:09a.m.  In my continued effort to be spontaneous I went out with the boys the other night not bothering to ask where we were going until we had pulled away from the curb.  As it turns out we were drinking at somebody’s apartment in Brookline and didn’t come home until 5a.m.  Now I have been completely thrown off and have been staying awake late into the night.  This won’t be very helpful for when classes start next week.

The spontaniety of it all outweighs sleep though.  I’ve spent the first two years of college with my nose in a book and I’ve finally realized that life was meant to be lived.  I very much enjoy picking up and  heading out for drinks with the guys even if it does mean a lack of sleep.  I’d rather enjoy my life then spend it in bed anyway.

I am currently eating Port Wine Cheese on Triscuits which is absolutely delicious but completely goes against my giving up dairy.  I really meant well by switching from regular milk to soy but it’s completely counter productive if  I’m constantly eating cheese.  I either need give all of it or none of it up.  I’m thinking none because God do I love cheese.  Besides, soy milk is too expensive and if I’m not serious about giving up dairy then I shouldn’t waste money on it.

In more promising news, I’ve officially gone a week and a day without coffee.  I haven’t even had a craving for it, which is a surprise.  I now drink chi tea with soy milk and it seems to be helping.  For the first few days I had migraines and needed at least one nap a day but now I don’t need to nap or down Advil every hour to make it through the day.   That is a sign of change in the right direction!

As of yesterday I gave up coffee and it has brought caffeine withdraw headaches with it.  Lovely.  In my continuous effort to reduce any and all stomach issues and heartburn I’ve given up coffee cold turkey and have begun reducing my dairy intake.  Thus, I now drink chi tea with soy milk in the morning.  It’s much tastier than it sounds.  This also means that my mornings are a little slower than they used to be because I can’t just turn on the coffee pot anymore.  Minus the headaches I think it’s working.  No heartburn yet!

It’s the perfect time to give up coffee though because school is basically over and I don’t have to sit through a day of classes without caffeine in my system.  Speaking of school being over, I survived my first year at Emerson.  I’ not going to go into any of the mushiness about how transferring has changed my life, but seriously–it has.  I’m a different person in a lot of senses of the word and it makes me happy.  My true colors can finally shine through and I really mean true colors.  I can finally show my spirit through brightly colored clothes and accessories and not look crazy.  Part of me thinks this wouldn’t have been acceptable at any point last year, yet somehow now I don’t even think it’s enough.  No wonder my name has been changed to Colors.

I am annoyed for two reasons:

1. Suffolk and Emerson do not end the same week

2. My law professor has made our law exams due the Saturday after school lets out.

I’m slowly getting used to the whole idea that my Suffolk friends finish a week before me and honesty, it wouldn’t really bother me, except that my stupid law exam is due after school lets out which makes my work last even longer.  If everything could just be done on the 6th of May I would be happy but I guess things don’t always work in my favor.  I think I’ll take advantage of getting the early edition of the exam though and making a point to have it finished and submitted on the last exam day, May 7th.  I still have a good deal of work to do, mainly things involving final debates, papers, etc. and this extra week makes me feel like I’m missing out on things when in reality, I’m probably not.

In other, much more exciting news though, I was second row at the Lily Allen concert at the House of Blues on Sunday night.  I’m pretty sure I had died and gone to heaven because she was absolutely fabulous even if she was chain smoking and drinking wine the entire show.  It gets better though because my friend was pulled up on stage at one point for a baked bean eating contest (count on Lily to do something totally random!) and ended up getting a signed picture and the most adorable Coach bag!  I’ve been listening to Lily non-stop all week since the show and wish I was back in the House of Blues singing along to all of her songs while standing second row.  I realize now that this won’t happen until the next time she tours in the US and I’m suddenly thrown back to a reality that will basically suck for the next 2.5 weeks.  Count on school to ruin your night!